Friday, December 9, 2011

Grace

My lack of experience is what makes me a good mom. I can say “I’m sorry” with conviction after I have hollered, yelled, spewed angry lashes at my tender babes. My inability to be perfect provides the perfect platform for displaying grace.

I am side swiped by my own lack of self-control in the midst of requiring perfection from my young lamb, and I grieve for the loss of a moment in which I had the opportunity to display a godly example. As swift as I grieve for that moment, another one replaces it; a moment of grace.

I grab my tender yearling with weak arms, set him on my lap, and hug him. With every breath more tears drop from my cheek to his shirt. I breathe deep, silently asking for God’s grace in my moment of fragile anger, and I ask for forgiveness. “It’s ok” is his reply.

My son, it’s not okay what I did. It’s not okay that I let loose my tongue and breathed fiery words of disapproval at your lack of perfection.

The forgiveness I receive from my child is quick, swift, and soothing as a balm.

The grace is misplaced, it feels like.

I am wrong again. This, this hug, this moment, this breath, these tears, those words…this is being a Mom.

Again…grace.

My imperfection, his imperfection; we live together in the ebb and flow.

On, off, on, off,
yes, no, yes, no,
I can’t, I’ll try, I did,
what’s next, here it comes,
start over, please,
now,
on, off, on, off…

Together we experience grace. My lack of experience as the Perfect Mom brings rise to the opportunity to do so.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10

"At this hour we rest in the promises of our faithful God, knowing that His words are full of truth and power; we rest in the doctrines of His word, which are consolation itself; we rest in the covenant of His grace, which is a haven of delight." -Charles Spurgeon

Monday, September 26, 2011

Sunrise with a Seven Year Old

I woke this morning to a dear darling heading off to another week away for work. We shared quiet early hours over coffee, kisses, and packing. As the last few minutes before he left ticked away I realized the sun would be waking up soon.

Do I sit and revel in God's glory alone, or do I find someone to share it with?

With little lady in bed resting in healing from sickness, I patted little man and said "Have you ever seen a sunrise?"  I got a quick answer of "no" to which I replied "Wanna see one?"
Now, I must note here that I succumbed to using my "teacher" voice as to encourage a positive response.
                It worked.
                                  "Sure," said sleepy little man.
We got bundled for the chilly morning in robes and sweaters, I grabbed my coffee and we charged outside to tackle the quiet with full attention.

"Oh, see, Isaiah! Look at the pink and orange sky! Those clouds will change color soon. Just watch!"

"Mmmhhmm."

I sit on the stool on the stoop with a seven year old bundle.

I sit with 55 pounds of tired young man curled on my lap, breathing tired morning breath in my shoulder.

I sit with boy and coffee and speak of new mornings, and small noises that speak of new days. 

"Mmmhhmm."

This little robe wrapped weight on my lap squirms to stay warm, and I stand and say "Isaiah! Look! The colors are changing!"
He lifts his head with almost as much effort as when he first learned as an infant, wobbling and new.

"Oh, wow! I saw it change colors Mom!"

"Mmmhhmm."

I stroll the yard trying to find a good spot to view that orange orb, pointing out squirrels, birds, and purple clouds to a now awakened arm load. The weight of him bears down on my hips, my arms flexing with tired morning strength to keep him close. His head moving up off my shoulder as he glimpses at the slivers of morning the Lord sprinkles in our back yard.

"Look, Isaiah, the mountains are purple! Wanna go look at those?"

"Ya!"

"Do you know that song that talks about 'purple mountains majesty?'"

"No." (Hmmmm, well, anyways...)

"Well, there's a song about America that talks about purple mountains...that's what it's talking about!"

"Oh." I can tell he's super stoked on this. I can feel the moment slipping away. Then I see it. A pink Pikes Peak.

"Look, Isaiah, Pikes Peak is pink!"

"Ha-ha! Mom, it's Pikes Pink!"

What a great morning!

Hubby is gone...to a great job that provides.

Trinity is sick...and I can stay and nurse her.

And Isaiah finds laughter in a sunrise, and shares it with me.


Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore! 
From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the Lord is to be praised! 
The Lord is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens! 
Psalm 113:2-4

Monday, April 18, 2011

"I"nspiration

I think someone has been praying for me...and not after I posted "please pray for us" on facebook, but before. I may be just a bit on the hokey side of things, but I really do think that there are all sorts of prayers bouncing out to the abyss God encompasses for me. I try not to think about myself too much, HA, but instead my prayers are for others. Heal that person, help that need, reach that heart, hear their cry, etc. My prayers have been about my kids, my husband, my family, their health, their well being, salvation for those in need, a swift boot for the ones that are stubborn, etc.

Recently I have been praying for myself. See, just writing that sounds narcissistic to me. From within I felt urged to focus on what God is doing in me...and to pray. I have also been asking for a lot of prayer. Somehow, without me noticing, the Lord shifted the ground under my feet. I have experienced this before and thought that I would be able to notice the shift before I was on the ground, but, nope. Life is beautiful, and with all the changes that have been happening (no details, sorry about the vagueness) with health, money, kids, houses....LIFE has become a constant reminder of my need for a savior.

I don't know what changes will come tomorrow, or where we will end up, if we end up somewhere rather than moving around, or if we will continually move, or how many more days I have with my darling husband, or what my children will discover, or which strangers I may meet, or what I can say to help, or what I will do when I grow up, or what type of counselor I may be, or what my kids will grow up to do, or what my husband will bring home, or what shirt will have holes in it today...but...

All of this reminds me that I need Jesus. I need hope in something outside of me. I can't rely on my strength, or the strength of others. I rely on the abundance of God's gift of grace in my life. The fact that He called my name is undeniable. The fact that He changed me, and continues His work in me to the day I go home is remarkable. The fact that He has blessed my life with richness, peace, hope, joy, struggle, torment, grief, and love is awesome. Inspiring.

I have been looking at my life, hating it for the sake of Christ, for my hope is in that which is above, not that which shall parish. I have been dwelling in His presence asking for guidance and peace and clarity and motivation. I have been praying for you, and for me, and He is responding. It takes my breath away.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

This verse challenges my love for my family...in a worldly way. It strengthens my love for the Lord, which in turn strengthens my love for my family...in a godly way. The paradigm of God's love lived out in us is fascinating.

The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:15-16

And this one brings a smile to my face. It is not I, but He that lives in me. :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wonderful!

Ten years...ten years to figure out that delicate balance of "wifery." Is that a word? I don't think so, but I'm still going to use it! Yes. Ten years we celebrated in December, and this year is starting out on a great foot! I have devoted my life and my love to my husband, and for the last ten years I have tried to figure out how to train him, change him, change me for him, please him...and now I have been blessed with a heart that is changed for something I never thought would happen!

SEX! Oh my, yes I said it.

SOMETHING happened in the last month (or 9 years and 11 months) that has totally made my heart do a 180 on this issue. I'm not sure I should even call it an issue because that implies that there is conflict. And while there IS friction, there is NO conflict on the topic. *wink*

I've had a lot of issues on this topic in the past. A LOT. I never validated the fact the God calls me to union with my husband! I only saw the surface of being with him. I struggled with images of past dudes (not cool!). I struggled with not "feeling" like it, or not feeling pretty or worthy of the attention. I struggled with seeking help when I was angry at him for not "thinking about anything else!" I submitted to just "being available" and that only made me angry. I tried to be "sexy" and that just made me feel stupid, which made me feel angry.

I had given up on the idea of ever truly enjoying my husband in intimate union. Then we went on our tenth anniversary "honeymoon". As we enjoyed our time together I looked at my husband and saw his tender love for me. I saw how he cherishes me. It was like looking at him on the day we started dating! I was able to see him with eyes clear and a love renewed! Not only that, but my self centered focus was gone!
It was AMAZING!! And it still is! And I'm counting on the rest of our years to be filled with twitterpation! Now I am able to see the blessing of being with him...DAILY!

I do have to say that this is solely a post for wives, or wives to be. I am speaking of the blessing God has heaped on my head and heart in my marriage! I pray that all of you beautiful women are divinely blessed with eyes to see your husband in light of the truth.

Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Proverbs 5:18
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
Many plans are in a man's heart, But the counsel of the LORD will stand.
Proverbs 19:21