Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Not So Happy

As life has taken twists and turns I have come to a place of which looking back is not so bright. Sure there are moments that are so brilliant that it outshines the muck that surrounds it, and then there are stretches of time that are so dark and bleak that I hate to even try to look back and reflect on them.

Alas, as often happens, I am faced with the fact that no matter how far I try to push it out, or back, or cram it into a corner...there is one place that is hard to understand. This time in my life is hard to unravel because it has more than just my hand prints on it. It is something that I can't shake, or make different, or avoid. It stays in my mind and my heart as a sour, rotten carcass of what used to be a relationship.

As I think about it, it seems more and more like I was blind to see my own inability to see what was right in front of me. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but I had people that told me to not go down that road. I had warning signs. Though I would ignore them and always followed the benefit of the doubt. The delicate facade of covering and hiding...I never wanted to believe it. I always thought the best of it. And now, it has ruined a huge piece of my heart.

The ability that I used to have of seeing the good in everything is shattered. What once was as easy as riding a bike is now a war in my head.

So now what? My prayer is that I can learn how to live in that freedom again. The freedom of believing the best, that God does miracles, that I can say things that hurt and still feel peace. When damage is done is time the only medicine to administer with the word? Why does there have to be so much pride, vengeance, fear, and hatred...on both parts? Will there ever be restoration in my heart? Will this always be a shell with no substance? Will I be able to protect my heart from this same pain in times to come?

I am thankful for so many things, but this is not one of them. I praise His name, as I know is good and right and true...I will trust in Him. I will trust in Him to take it away, or heal it. I will trust in Him to tend to the wound and recover the missing parts.

With my voice I cry out to the Lord; with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him. When my spirit faints within me, you know my way! Psalm 142:1-3a

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