It is the late morning on a Tuesday (it was when I started this post). The impending tasks of the day are holding my attention as I attempt to make sense of the current task of teaching my children. There is an alarm going off in my head that belongs to the clock of perfection: “You did that wrong. You should have said something different. Why do you always go overboard! Why can’t you just chill out!”
I know that there are many people that would say all sorts of coddling remarks to make me feel better…but it won’t help. That alarm goes off in my head almost daily. Well, there really is no almost about it….it is daily! It’s like a fungal thought. It feeds off of my flesh. It oozes out of my mouth….and it muddles up my tidy, well laid plans.
Oh that nagging, flesh eating fungus of perfectionism! It is my enemy! I declare war on it! Though, how do I dominate and destroy that which is my most beneficial trait? Rhetoric swirling in my mind….okay let’s clear it out and start again: truth. What is the truth? The truth is that I’m a sinner…again and again. I am a: seek and destroy sinner. I seek that which is unattainable (perfection) and I destroy that which is good (patience). So that’s part of the truth.
The other portion of the truth is that Christ lives in me. All I have to do is deny that which is most attached to my person (self seeking desire) and let Him take over. That’s all. That’s it. Detach and let go….soar above and let Him lead me and guide me. WHAT? Why is it that something that I seemed to have mastered ten years ago (at least according to my memory and circumstance at the time), now is almost impossible for me to do? I would think that all the practice would amount to ease, not dysfunction of faith!
Let go….I can’t control it, I can’t change it, I can only make a mess of it. Let go and let Him do what He does best: comfort me, lead me, change me, guide me, hold me, and clean up after me. Mmmmmm….His good news is so good! I’m starting to smile already.
There, I feel better….after taking four days to post a “perfected” blog.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4